Dear Auntie Em,
I wrote an email the other day to the partner in charge of my team, which I mistakenly signed off with a kiss.
She’s recently divorced and, if I’m not mistaken, has been behaving rather coquettishly towards me ever since. Help!
Stu x
Disclaimer: Auntie Em has never worked in a law firm. But she is an aunt and has a psychology degree. As a teenager, Auntie Em had a dream predicting 9/11.
Dear Stu-baby,
That kiss you signed off with can, of course, only be interpreted one way. I’m now destined to spend the rest of the day with my eyes glazed over, fantasising about the moment our hands brush at a photocopier some day, our gazes meet, and we make sweet, sweaty love in the stationery cupboard.
You see, Stuey-baby, that’s what a kiss on the end of an email means to a girl. Which leaves you with only one way of disabusing the hopes of your boss and I.
From now on, you must sign off ALL emails to ALL colleagues with kisses. Even the men from IT must get kisses. Send group emails with a kiss for each recipient to cement your reputation as an email kisser. Talk loudly about how you think signing off in any other way is weird.
However, once people cotton on that your email kisses are platonic, just don’t be surprised if many of your colleagues take their own lives in disappointment.
Kisses,
Auntie Em x
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