Legal Cheek

A poem: ‘Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!’

Legal Cheek’s resident funny man Wigapedia returns with an ode to barristers’ briefs

A case can be won or lost on a brief. Essentially a summary of facts and legal points pertaining to a particular case, if any good it allows a barrister to quickly get up to speed and formulate arguments to be put forward in court.

Taking inspiration from English poet Pam Ayres’ ‘Oh, I wish I’d looked after my teeth,’ the revered Wigapedia returns to the pages of Legal Cheek with his legally-themed version, ‘Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!’

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!
And spotted the perils beneath
that ribbon of pink,
It concealed quite a stink.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!

I wish I’d been that much more willin’
To spend some more time on me billin’
If I’d stayed up and awake,
I’d have submissions to make,
Instead of being here, trying to fill-in.

The judge sits up there in his chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair.
He’s in a foul mood,
And really quite rude.
He knows I’m not really prepared.

The thing about examination (which is cross),
Is that it’s easy to get really quite lost.
When you ain’t done the prep,
And don’t know the next step.,
As I’m about to find out to my cost.

So I just took a bit of a flyer,
And shouted at “that witness is a liar”
The judge was in shock
‘Cos the man in the box.
It was my client: I think I’ve been fired!

“So that’s your submission, Mr Snooks?”,
As the judge gives me one of those looks.
He knows I’m not prepped,
‘Cos my brief, I’ve not kept.
It’s at home, with both my White Books.

The judge, ain’t impressed with my skelly.
After all, there was ‘Strictly’ on telly.
It was done in a rush,
The submissions were just mush.
Now my insides have all turned to jelly.

The judge, in his judgement, is rough.
Said my whole case was just ‘nonsense and fluff’.
The absence of precedent,
Was really quite evident,
And I’d just not prepared half enough.

But how I laughed at my old pupil-master,
Thinking I just could do it much faster.
But here comes the reckoning,
The Bar Council is now beckoning,
This brief’s been a total disaster!

Wigapedia (aka Colm Nugent) is a barrister at Hardwicke in Lincoln’s Inn in London.


Previously:

The Secret Diary of Liz Truss (aged 38¾) [Legal Cheek]

Language of the law decoded: The litigation edition [Legal Cheek]


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