KWM denies ‘damaging and decidedly not funny’ report that its toilet paper has run out

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Partner slams magazine’s claim


A partner at stricken law firm King & Wood Mallesons (KWM) has slammed a report in The Lawyer claiming that toilet paper at the firm has run out.

In a story published today, the paywalled online magazine quotes a “source close to the firm” as stating:

[T]he toilet paper ran out yesterday and the supplier refused to supply more. It’s another sign of a dismal state of affairs.

The Lawyer claims that the toilet paper supplier “is understood to be just one of a number of contractors to cease supplying KWM with goods this week” as the firm prepares to enter administration.

But in the last hour KWM’s London-based international finance partner Ian Borman has hit back, writing in an email to Legal Cheek:

Not only are the toilets fully stocked with toilet paper, but the staff at this firm are doing their absolute utmost in difficult circumstances to ensure that services to clients are provided in an orderly and calm manner. Any efforts to undermine that impression are damaging and decidedly not funny. They are potentially self-fulfilling, when in fact the atmosphere at KWM is sombre but utterly professional and calm.

In other KWM news, the London office of US firm Goodwin Procter is said to have applied for validation from the Solicitors Regulation Authority to take on five KWM trainees. The report — again in The Lawyer — remains unconfirmed, but sources have indicated to Legal Cheek that it is likely to be legit. As we revealed last month, Linklaters and Allen & Overy are leading a rescue plan to ensure that all 60 of KWM’s trainees complete their training contracts.

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They’ve treated their staff badly for years.

This sucker is going down.



The fact that KWM has to respond to such an outlandish report shows that they are desperate (and failing) in trying to regain any credibility they once had.



Hear hear. It would be highly entertaining if it weren’t all so sad.


CC Partner

Shame they don’t have a pool. Saves loads on paper bills we find.


IM Associate

we just use our free biscuits


Real IM Associate

Free biscuits?!? You obviously don’t really work here. My supervising partner uses my shirt!


KWM Trainee

Its very much true. I’ve just used my training contract to wipe my arse.


KWM Associate

This is top form, 10/10.


Jones Day Partner

Can I borrow it (your arse, not the training contract)?





Chris Grayling's Bald Head




Wonder what the situation is (on that specific front) at the other mid market firms in trouble!



At least KWM have toilet paper. At Irwin Mitchell, they just use the empty crisps wrappers they find in the local skips



To be fair, the media can write whatever they want as KWM won’t bother suing for libel.


KWM trainee (with no rescue offer)

Can’t sue for libel when it’s true. My butthole can vouch for that.



If you’re that worried about your butthole, don’t be desperate and accept a role with jones day. You’ll regret it…



It’ll be the “dry and friction” method, then?



As a sufferer of Crohn’s who has to wear a pad. This is very not funny.



Why are you still working at KWM?!



TMI bro



went for a dump…shit!!! realised no toilet paper!!!

Genuine KWM employee on the 2nd floor on the river side


3rd bog man

I had use my trainee contract to wipe my arse.. I guess that what it is worth now!!!!

Honestly these partners are like dry rott,,, they will do the same thing at new firm where they have moved to..

Mark my words, in next the few years there will be other law firms going down the pan, these partnerswill do the same there!!!!

So those firms which have taken these partnesrs on should be CAREFUL



Went a bit heavy on the Friday piss did we?


Ian Borman's butt hole

Thankfully for me, more sh*t comes out of Ian’s mouth.


KWM Associate

It’s worth noting for people who aren’t at KWM that, as well as being a very nice guy, Ian has been one of our top billing partners since he joined and would therefore have turned down numerous other offers in order to see things through at KWM.


Dr Dong

Suffering from Stockholm Syndrome?



Hello Ian



Is that the best Tabby at The Lawyer can write about …. she’ll be out of a job too when KWM shut the doors!!



Hi KWM PR lady, how come you’re still getting paid?




KWM issued a statement, which has been added as a postscript at the end of the The Lawyer article. It states that it was not the TOILET PAPER supplier. It was the PAPER TOWEL supplier i.e. the people who supply the paper that is used to wipe one’s hands after one has washed one’s hands post-butt wipe, not the people who supply the paper that used post-butt wipe.

Meanwhile, “Captain” Borman was seen leaving the Costa Concordia in a lifeboat (in the general direction of a nearby US law firm) sombrely but utterly professional and calm saying “Don’t Panic! There is enough paper towel for everyone still aboard the Costa!”.


KWM Trainee

Yeah very funny mate, how about you bring me some bog roll to the fourth floor toilets huh?

There’s no paper towels available either and I ain’t using that empty pack of Doritos I had for dinner (all that’s left at the canteen).



We don’t have the 4th floor ?


KWM secretary

Uh, yes we do?


KWM Associate

Uh…no we don’t. MergerMarket have been sub-leasing it for 18 months.


KWM Trainee

I like their toilets better. Still no bog roll tho. 🙁


Mergermarket employee

No wonder they just installed those dispensers that prevent people from removing the entire roll



Thank you !


Sexually frustrated KWM associate

Went for a gargantuan fap, shot all kinds of ropes and now no bog roll to wipe the mess up.

Oh well…


Goodwin Procter

We are pleased to announce that 48 crates of loo paper have agreed to join our Funds team in London, and will thereby be reunited with their former colleagues. They will join the firm in February, subject to a partnership vote on Monday.


Master of the Rolls

Worry not KWM. I shall take full responsibility for ensuring that the firm and its staff have sufficient rolls to wipe with in this hour of need.


Oh dear oh my

It’s great to know that all what’s left of this once half-decent City law firm are trainees and associates crapping and fapping with no toilet paper to clean up. Meanwhile the bloated partners parachuted out in time and are laughing all the way back to their Porsche 911s.

What a revolutionary merger this turned out to be.


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