Someone qualifies as a lawyer; a law student is fined for speeding; a legal team wins a claim; an Italian lawyer nicks a wallet; a Japanese lawyer loses his penis, and a beauty queen fakes whiplash — our round-up of summer frippery so far
If it’s the second week of August, it must be the silly season.
That means media outlets across the land — from Fleet Street giants to regional minnows — are desperately searching for anything vaguely resembling a news story at a time when politicians and business leaders have all buggered off to the seaside.
Legal affairs coverage is no exception, and to save readers from having to scour the Internet, Legal Cheek has picked up these silly season gems involving the law and lawyers.
FORMER BOOTS MANAGER QUALIFIES AS A SOLICITOR
We kick off with some monumental news straight out of Cumbria. It’s not all skinny dipping shockers in the lakes round the newsroom of website Cumbria Crack (that’s what it’s called) come August.
Two days ago the news team revealed that Joanne Grey — a former manager of a well-known chain of dispensing chemists — had only gone and qualified as a solicitor.
Grey did a 14-year stint with Boots in Penrith before deciding she would rather dole out divorce advice than Viagra. She’s now with the family law team at the Carlisle office of high street general practice Burnetts.
MAIDSTONE LAW STUDENT AND FORMER THANET COUNCIL CANDIDATE, PAYAM TAMIZ, CONVICTED OF SPEEDING
At the other end of the country in the so-called Garden of England, the August news wasn’t so cheery.
Kent Online — the website of the Kent Messenger newspaper — reported on the devastating development that a law student had been convicted of … speeding.
Payam Tamiz, who is also a former Thanet council candidate, was done for belting along at 64mph in a 50mph zone. The bench at Sevenoaks Magistrates’ Court slapped Tamiz — who did an LLB at Kent University before heading to the University of Westminster for the Legal Practice Course in 2010 — with a rather stiff penalty of 700 nicker.
PRO BONO BIRMINGHAM LAWYER WINS LORRY DRIVER’S LICENCE BACK
Back up to the midlands for better news. Agata Dmoch — an associate at the Birmingham office of Mills & Reeve — is being hailed by the local media for getting a lorry driver back on the road.
According to the Birmingham Post, trucker Marek Durkiewicz — who suffers from a medical condition that requires regular re-certification of his licence — was caught in a Euro-red tape nightmare that threatened to prevent him from driving across the continent.
The minutia of this story is complex, but suffice it to say that Polish speaker Dmoch teamed with a barrister from local No5 Chambers in a pro bono deal that ensured Durkiewicz can truck away happily for the foreseeable future.
ITALIAN LAWYER STEALS FRENCH TOURIST’S WALLET
Our next silly season tale involves two nationalities the British love to stereotype.
According to The Local — an online English language news service that brings titbits from across the continent — an unnamed Italian lawyer nicked the wallet of an unnamed French tourist somewhere in Sardinia.
The website quoted local Italian website Blitzquotidiano as claiming that this daredevil and vile crime took place at a supermarket checkout counter.
The Italian thief — who is clearly a discredit to the nation’s entire legal profession if this account is accurate — allegedly slipped the unsuspecting Gallic tourist’s dosh and cards into his own shopping bag, which, we are reliably informed, typically contained a packet of pasta.
The whole heist was caught on CCTV and the lawyer had his collar felt later that evening as he drank in a local bar.
MAN CUTS OFF LAWYER’S PENIS; FLUSHES IT DOWN TOILET
From even farther afield came this painful story of a crime de passion.
A graduate student burst into a Tokyo lawyer’s office recently and proceeded to lop off his penis with a pair of garden shears.
According to an AFP report published on website Japan Today, local rozzers speculated that the student and the lawyer were love rivals — it appears the former’s wife had fallen for the bedroom advocacy skills of the latter.
To drive home just how irritated he was with the lawyers’ philandering, the student is alleged to have flushed his severed member down the bog for good measure.
MODEL JAILED FOR FALSE WHIPLASH CLAIM
Even the specialist legal press can fall victim to silly season stories — provided a pretty face is involved.
The Law Gazette went to town yesterday on the tale of a model and former women’s league footballer who was handed a two-month jail sentence for faking a road traffic personal injury claim, which in the insurance world is not an uncommon occurrence.
But this story involved Amy Laban, a part-time model, who had also had run-outs for Nottingham Forest and Birmingham City ladies. Laban and a chum claimed £3,000 following a traffic incident.
However, the 25-year-old failed to turn up for medical appointments and was finally revealed to have been involved in a tough pre-beauty pageant exercise regime and a skydive when she was meant to be laid up with whiplash.