A reading from the Book of Mitchell

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By Wigapedia on

Wigapedia draws upon biblical inspiration to follow the twists and turns of the Jackson reforms


And in the eve of the year, towards the month that is known as December and the Feast of Ipad, it came to pass, that on the seventh day The Lord (Jackson) rested and viewed his creation. And he was much pleased.

“Verily I say unto you that if thou hast not, by the seventh day, applied for relief then thy claim shalt be cast out like an old shoe,” he said.

And the Lawyerites trembled and were sore afraid for their indemnity insurance was going through the roof, yea as swiftly as the cat that is scalded.

And the Lord descended from the mountain (Court of Appeal) and he had with him two tablets, upon of which was escribed the commandments. The first sayeth:

“Thou shalt not have relief unless thy transgression is but trivial.”

And the second tablet sayeth:

“Thou shalt not have relief unless thy transgression is for a reason which is good and finds favour in the eyes of their Lordships.”

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the Lawyerites who cried out:

“But these commandments are unworkable. Anyone who transgresses shall find their cases cast out into the outer darkness, yet there be not one jot or mote of harm to the other side. How’s that fair then?”

And their lordships replied:

“Fairness has nothing to do with it matey. Henceforth, all transgressions are an abomination in the eyes of the Lordships. So be warned.”

And the disciples of the Lordships went amongst the Lawyerites, and much smiting of claims was done, especially by the disciple Turner J, who seemed very keen on the smiting bit.

But lo, even when all the Lawyerites were fearful of walking in the Valley of Darkness (aka the Garden of Bears), there came forth a prophet (of sorts) and he went by the name of ‘Denton’.

Denton had transgressed mightily, and thence he verily expected to be smited. But Denton was forgiven by their Lordships.

And the tablets inscribed with both first and second commandments were hastily recalled, and a third commandment added:

“As long as it does not imperil thy trial.”

Then the first commandment tablet was inexplicably lost and a new commandment appeared saying:

“Thou shalt not have relief unless thy transgression is substantial.”

And their Lordships said:

“It’s more or less the same thing.”

And everyone else said:

“Oh no it isn’t.”

And this was called ‘The New Law’, to be contrasted with ‘The Old Law’ (verily, a full six months before), and the New Law involved much less smiting. The New Law was still a lot about smiting, but was leavened with fairness, justice and woolly stuff like that that the Old Law had scorned, as one would a degree from Preston Poly.

And the Lawyerites cried out:

“Hold on a minute. This is new. What, they said, of those claims that have been cast into the wilderness under the Old Law but under the New Law would be saved in the salvation that is the Court of Appeal?”

And the Lord Jackson said:

“…errrr…I’ll get back to you on that …”

And there was again, much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And billing.

And there came forth out of the darkness and into the light, one of the disciples — Andrew Smith was his name. And he spake unto their Lordships saying:

“Hang on. In the Book of Judgement, First letter of Mitchell, I was soley vexed and much chastised for false teaching. And now it turns out I was right all along.”

And the Lord Jackson said:

“Nobody likes a smartarse.”

Here endeth the lesson.