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A post-drinking binge kebab could cut domestic violence and accidents, argues solicitor

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Social services take note — kebabs should be promoted to the front line in the battle against domestic violence. At least, that’s the view of a licensing lawyer in Scotland

kebab

A consultant at 158-year-old Aberdeen law firm James & George Collie produced an innovative argument during a recent licensing application before Dundee City Council.

Janet Hood argued that her client, Khans kebab shop, should be granted a late licence until 2:30am, not least because of the social benefits of scoffing a late-night doner after an evening on the lash.

khans

Hood’s submission ran along these lines: High-fat, high-carbohydrate fast-food induces a coma-like sleep in those who might otherwise be thoroughly pissed and potentially combative.

Ergo, a trip to the kebab house is likely to prevent drunks from smacking their partners about on arrival home. And it will also lessen the likelihood of domestic accidents as inebriates will be less inclined to attempt to rustle up cheese on toast and as a result burn the house down.

The Herald newspaper quoted Hood as telling the council:

“Medical evidence strongly suggests that eating after drinking helps induce sleep, which could help lower alcohol-related domestic violence.”

And what’s more, the Dundee councillors bought it — but then you’d expect that from local government politicians in the land of the fried Mars Bar, fried pizza slice and extremely deep fried independence referendum. The Herald quoted SNP councillor Jimmy Black as saying: “I had no idea a kebab could solve so many problems.”

To be fair, Hood also made a range of legal and business arguments in favour of her client’s submission. And she told Legal Cheek today that her domestic violence and home-safety line was in no way meant to be facetious.

“Among several other arguments,” she said, “I pointed out that there is strong medical evidence showing that high-fat, high-carbohydrate foods are likely to induce feelings of contentment and sleepiness in those who consume them. I went on to say that such a reaction might — just might — reduce the chances of domestic violence as well as the temptation to get the chip pan out on return home.”

Hood said the council’s licensing committee was almost universally sympathetic to her client. She also encouraged young advocates to “think outside of the box” when making submissions at hearings. “I’m no genius,” she said, “but one piece of advice I give to young lawyers is that you can’t just plod along.”