The Rt Hon Michael Gove MP, newly-appointed Lord Chancellor and Justice Secretary, writes exclusively for Legal Cheek (aided only slightly by Wigapedia)
My fellow humanoids,
I write to you in my new role as Lord Vice-Chancellor.
Let us make no mistake, this role is a serious one.
And one that I take with the utmost seriousness. In fact, it might be said that the job couldn’t be more serious. And that is serious.
In this job I’m responsible for lots of things including .. erm … judges, lawyers, … erm …baristas … presumably other makers of gourmet coffee, …. erm.
I’m sure there’s at least one other thing, what was it? Oh yes, justice. I think that’s it, but there may be more stuff — I’ll need to Google when I’m back at my desk.
Being Lord of The Chancellors is a really great job. You get to wear a big cape thing — and tights! And, even better, no-one is allowed to laugh when I do. It’s the rule, apparently.
I’ve asked my mate Dave (who gave me the job in the first place, cheers Dave!) about any superpowers, but no reply to that e-mail so far. So I’ve bagsied ‘X-Ray vision’ — if no-one else was given that one.
What’s more, I get to join all the legally things. I’m very pleased to be invited to become a member of the Knights Templar — who I think were in the second Indiana Jones movie.
I’m sure it’s all very top secret stuff with passwords and secret handshakes. If you get to have a special codename I’m going for “XRaySpex” — clever, eh?
Dave (my mate, the one I told you about earlier) has said that my tip-top priorities as Lord Supreme Commander of the Imperial Fleet are to:
1. Abolish humans
2. Abolish rights
(Note to self: check to make sure I picked that up right.)
3. Abolish criminals getting their lawyers (and chicks) for free
(Check that crafty Dire Straits reference — cool, eh?)
4. Abolish Europe telling us what to do and when to do it.
We demand more freedom and a later bedtime! Europe needs to get off our case. We’ll play FIFA on the PS4 and not have a bath if we jolly well want to!
5. Appoint Judge Dredd to sort out crime and stuff
(This was my own idea.)
6. Raise fees for claims in the civil courts (that’s the other courts that don’t send bad people to prison) to one meellion pounds.
7. Only let nice people (the sort who mow their lawns and wash their cars) have some justice
But none for the nasty people. So Justice is a bit like Haribos, seems to me.
There may be some other stuff, but I lost interest at that point in the meeting and nodded off. Looking forward to really getting stuck into this chancelloring stuff and swishing around in my new outfit.
Must be off now to fight crime, and check out that old abandoned funfair with my dog and three pals.
PREVIOUSLY FROM WIGAPEDIA:
What your Instructions say Vs. what they mean [Legal Cheek]
The language of the legal directory: decoded — 2014 edition [Legal Cheek]
The full collection of articles from Wigapedia are here.