Only a barrister could describe a man sneezing on the Tube like this
Ironically, it went viral
A Littleton Chambers barrister’s homage to a mighty sneeze-stifler on his morning commuter has gone totally viral, garnering more than 9,000 retweets and 46,000 likes.
The Twitter thread in question came courtesy of Jamie Susskind, a first-class Oxford graduate and the son of well-known futurologist Richard Susskind (the man who wrote The End of Lawyers?). It followed the young barrister’s more-eventful-than-usual commute into work:
I took the tube to work this morning at rush hour. It was absolutely mobbed. Carnage. You know the drill. Queues of anxious commuters waiting to board. TFL guy yelling incoherently about the doors.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
Managed to squeeze on. The usual smell of bad breath and shower gel.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
There's normally a sort of blitz spirit on these occasions. Dark humour. How can there not be, when you can literally smell what the person next to you had for dinner last night?
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
Yes, we know, sounds like a bog-standard rush hour commute. And it was, until:
But today was different. The crowd was tetchy. There had been some jostling on the platform, and the odd (half-embarrassed) cry of "move DOWN". When I boarded, a lady with a strong Liverpudlian accent had started yelling at the guy next to her for squashing her arm.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
So we're barrelling along between stations, and we are squeezed in TIGHT. Barely able to move my head, I turn my head and look to the right.
What I see there chills me to my very core.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
So what was it that Susskind — who in 2016 featured on the Hottest Junior Barristers List — saw? Well:
About three feet away, there's a small bloke standing with his back to the door. Must be 16/17 years old. He is truly hemmed in, arms locked to his side, his wee head like the end of a sausage poking out of a hot dog. And the look on his face is one of sheer terror.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
His eyes are wide. His nostrils are flared. He's moving the top of his mouth in a circular motion and frantically crinkling and uncrinkling his nose.
The poor bastard is about to sneeze.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
Unfortunately for our unwitting soon-to-be sneezer, attempts to suppress the urge aren’t working. “He’s trying his best,” Susskind concedes, “but I can see that he is ultimately powerless. Like a gathering storm, the sneeze cannot be resisted. It is a force of nature.” The thread continues:
I enter a state of high alertness. On a quick calculation I reckon that I am outside of the immediate blast radius, and so am probably safe. But there must be five people in direct danger. Five grumpy commuters. One of them is Angry Scouse Lady.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
In the microsecond before the sneeze comes, I lock eyes with the guy. He looks at me like a man who has been sent to the gallows. I try to look sympathetic.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
I can still see it in slow motion. It begins as a sort of spasm deep down inside the guy, an irrepressible wave of energy building from his abdomen, spreading up through his chest and neck, rushing to burst out through his nose.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
The teenager’s head jerking back and Angry Scouse Lady’s eyes widening, a deafening, powerful and, um, wet sneeze seems inevitable. But read on:
But at the very moment of climax, the instant when I thought my fellow Londoners would be covered in nasal debris, something incredible happened. I'll remember it til the day I die.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
His jaw clamped shut, our man somehow takes the full brunt of the sneeze internally. His entire face – cheeks and upper neck area – expand outward like a bullfrog before rapidly contracting again. He emits two noises simultaneously: a high-pitched squeak and a deep, gutteral moan
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
It was LOUD. Half the carriage crane to look. No one knows what's going on. The guy's eyes are half-closed and streaming with moisture. Were it not for the passengers propping him up, he'd have collapsed from the effort.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
I've never seen anything like it. It brought to mind a story I saw recently where a dude ruptured his throat trying to suppress a sneeze (https://t.co/q6blRD2F1k)
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
After a few seconds he opened his eyes and we again acknowledged each other's presence. He must have seen the admiration on my face because he gave me an imperceptible nod – regal, magnanimous – modestly recognising the scale of his achievement, but without wishing to gloat
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
That guy is my morning hero, and I wrote this thread in homage to him.
— Jamie Susskind (@jamiesusskind) January 25, 2018
It’s a rollercoaster ride perhaps reminiscent of some of the employment, commercial and public disputes Susskind encounters in his practice, and it’s captured the attention of the public. Alongside tens of thousands of likes and retweets, the thread has attracted comments including “that really has made me cry with laughter” and “this has to be the tweet thread of the year so far“. Bravo, Susskind.
For all the latest commercial awareness info, and advance notification of Legal Cheek's careers events:
Sign up to the Legal Cheek Hub
25 Comments
Scouser of Counsel
“When I boarded, a lady with a strong Liverpudlian accent had started yelling at the guy next to her for squashing her arm.”
That’s because on Merseyrail, Liverpool’s tube system, the trains are bigger and nearly everyone gets a seat!
As such, this lady is probably used to a more refined commute than the subterranean cattle trucks that Londoners have to endure!
Anonymous
““When I boarded, a lady with a strong Liverpudlian accent had started yelling at the guy next to her for squashing her arm.”
That’s because on Merseyrail, Liverpool’s tube system, the trains are bigger and nearly everyone gets a seat!
As such, this lady is probably used to a more refined commute than the subterranean cattle trucks that Londoners have to endure!”
There are surely no actual “commuters” in Liverpool?
Anonymous
Of course there are no commuters in Liverpool. The trains are full of unemployed men riding round Merseyside without tickets shouting “gizza job, mate?” out of the broken windows of the aging rolling stock….
Oh sorry, I forgot for a moment that it’s not 1982!
Anonymous
There may be more room, but the trains are still steam powered, aren’t they?
Manc of Counsel
Nah- horse-drawn!
Anonymous
Don’t try to become a barrister unless your father is also a world famous talking head and public intellectual.
You won’t get anywhere.
Anonymous
“Don’t try to become a barrister unless your father is also a world famous talking head and public intellectual.
You won’t get anywhere.”
If only it was still like this!
Anonymous
Tbf his Littleton profile says that he got the top first in Cambridge. So I’d say he probably got in on his own merits.
Anonymous
*Oxford, apologies
Anonymous
Great morning read 🙂
Private Solicitor
Much more interesting than anything Susskind Snr has ever said/written.
Anonymous
100%. Must get it from his mother.
Anonymous
“Ironically, it went viral”
That’s not what irony is. That’s an amusing coincidence, almost the opposite of irony.
Anonymous
It’s like rayeee-aiiiiiiin, on your wedding day…..
Anonymous
What do you expect from blogger trash, mastery of the English language?
That being said, we should thank them for providing these comment sections: it really is a cathartic opportunity for repressed law students and professionals alike who are afraid of lashing out without the veil of anonymity.
So thank you LC for being our virtual punching bags, and good luck with your 5th round of Vac Scheme applications.
Dave Barrister
It can be ironic in this context since the stifled sneeze, the focus of the story, wholly prevented viral spread.
Too quick to complain and dismiss the subtle humour of Legal Cheek…
Ollie
I sneezed once, my nose hurt afterwards!
Anonymous
A shame that the article reporting the stylish and witty twitter thread is devoid of any style or wit.
Henry mostyn
Don’t upset Alex! He’s a delicate flower with a delicate prissy asshole that gets breached like always 🍼
Barrister on the rock[s]
It was funny, but where did he get the time to write it? That’s what I want to know.
Anonymous
Any good clerk knows to factor in a counsel’s time for Twitter/Facebook rants when negotiating fees for a brief, along with the drafting time for the empty apology letters when said counsel is inevitably caught calling the client or instructing solicitor incompetent. Good clerking is worth every penny.
Solicitor
Yeah I know right!
I didn’t have time for a shower this morning because I’m soo super busy you know! I spent 23 hours a day for the last 8 weeks working out how to turn off caps lock. Currently making time by writing a case summary with my left foot.
Anonymous
This article reminds me just how much I hate the Northern line during rush hour. Which makes me ask the questions: what’s it like being a commercial barrister outside of London? I’m interested in the commercial bar in bigger cities like Bristol, Birmingham, Manchester. I’m especially interested to see how they bill.
I know there’s some established commercial sets outside of London such as Guildhall and St Johns Chambers in Bristol, Kings Chambers in Manchester, and Exchange chambers in Liverpool. Can anyone give insights to what life is like in any of these? As a potential future move I’m particularly interested in Bristol (my heart will always be in the South).
Anonymous
It’s a myth. There is no commercial work outside London.
Pantman
Someone give Susskind some work, he obviously has nothing better to do with his time.
Comments are closed.