Junior and senior lawyers speak a different language
As the poor, tired, huddled masses of trainees and pupils gird their loins for their arrival on the legal shores, yearning to breathe free, Wigapedia publishes another helpful* guideline for them (and their selfless supervisors) to cope with the linguistic pitfalls that can befall both.
*’Helpful’ in this instance is not the OED definition but is used in the strict legal sense of being entirely useless.
What the supervisor says |
What the supervisor means |
What the trainee hears |
| I’m not sure I follow | What the hell are you on about? | He doesn’t quite follow my idea |
| That’s not bad | That’s adequate | That’s poor |
| That’s not too bad | That’s surprisingly good | That’s not good |
| That’s not bad at all | That’s fabulous | That’s OK |
| Yeah, we could do that | That’s a terrible idea and I’m desperately trying to think of an alternative plan | He’s considering my idea |
| Anyway I won’t keep you | Bugger off right now | He values my time |
| How’s the rest of your afternoon looking? | I’m about to give you so much work to do, you’ll need a camp bed and at least one change of underwear | He’s interested in what I’m up to later |
| I hear where you’re coming from | You’re talking out of your arse | He’s listening to my point of view |
| Let’s come back to that… | We’ll never speak about that again | We’ll discuss that later |
| I’m sure it’ll be fine | I’m about to get sued for professional negligence | He thinks it’ll be fine |
| Don’t take this the wrong way | Be prepared to be more insulted than you’ve ever been in your entire life, you total waste of space | He’s about to offer some constructive advice |
| Each to their own | Your idea is certifiably mad | He respects my view |
| No harm done | You have just caused a totally catastrophic disaster | My mistake was pretty minor |
| These things happen | These things happen because you’re a complete cretin | It’s just one of those things |
| You’re looking well | You’re looking very fat | He thinks I’m looking well |
| That’s certainly one way of looking at it. | The completely wrong way | He thinks my perspective is worth considering |
| With all due respect | If your IQ was any lower, you’d need watering twice a week | He respects me |
| Let me give you some feedback on your advice | Your pathetic effort is already in the bin and I’m about the make you feel about 6 inches tall | I’m going to get some useful feedback |
| Have you thought about drafting it this way? | Draft the document this way, or find a new job | I’m being given the option of drafting it differently |
| That’s an interesting observation | How on earth did you pass any exams, let alone our recruitment criteria? | He thinks my point is an interesting one |
| I think we need to have a little chat | You’re fired | We’re going to have a chat about our interests and hobbies |
Hat tip to the hilarious @VeryBritishProblems for inspiration and ideas.
Wigapedia (aka Colm Nugent) is a barrister at Hardwicke in Lincoln’s Inn in London.
Previously
How to speak lawyer: a guide for trainee solicitors and pupil barristers [Legal Cheek]